What about the wives?

I think we are in desperate need of a support group! I've seen lots of info and advice and support for parents on the internet and yesterday as I googled "Asperger adult support" I got lots of advice for the adult aspie. Then I stumbled across a site that had a post for support for the wives of AS hubs. There was an overwhelming response! Like 140 comments (where the others only had ~10). Of course I didn't read them all but it really made me realize how much we need support as much as the adult aspie. T is very high functioning and has never really had trouble keeping a job (maybe because of his servitude attitude) and for the same reason why he's never had problems keeping friends. Many of his friends however are from HS (his "studious" friends) and College (his frat friends) where we've decided that he was able to "reinvent" himself there. He currently has very few friends (other than "virtual friends" from his blogs - again where he can reinvent himself) as an adult and hasn't made outstanding efforts to create those relationships even though I know that he wants to. He really is an amazing husband and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I can't think of a single argument we've ever had in our 13 years as a couple (and we've had our fair share of significant and stupid ones) that cannot be explained by Aspergers!

All that is to say that on the outside, NO ONE would suspect that he has AS. (He did on our trip home from Iowa last weekend admitted to himself out loud which I thought was a huge step.) I do realize after reading some of the posts, the many posts that basically said "Other wives just don't get it," that I'm normal to feel the way I feel. HOWEVER I am not interested really in getting together and whining about my circumstances, I would much rather seek a solution on how to handle my emotional mess. The main emotion of lamenting that all of those arguments (about teeny tiny things that drive me MAD) are all in vain, wondering if it is even worth voicing myself when these things happen again because it doesn't really matter because things will never change. It is a very hopeless feeling, a disrespected feeling, a little value feeling. And I have no outlets other than this blog. It is so hard to feel this way because I've always been an achiever - if I didn't know the answer I could find the answer. If I didn't reach a goal I wouldn't quit, just reset it until I did. Constantly trying to better myself and my attitude and my faith. Always the happy go lucky person. The "Counselor" for other people who asked for my advice. But I've fallen in a hole and even though I am aware that my attitude is bad and that I've got to find a way for ME to adapt to my circumstances, I can't seem to find the rope to climb out of the hole.

Here are some potential books I was able to find online that might help. (I'd rather have a PERSON to talk to but it looks like I'd have to go to LONDON-hehe):

Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs
(Jessica Kingsley, 2003). ISBN: 1843101157 (paperback, 232 pages). [autism,aspergers,adult,account] Maxine C. Aston.

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A Guide to an Intimate Relationship with a Partner who has Asperger Syndrome (London: The National Autistic Society, 2001). ISBN: 1899280375 ; ISBN: 1931282048 (paperback, 88 pages, Autism Asperger Publishing Company, 2002) . [autism,aspergers,adult] A. Bicknell.

Taking responsibility: good practice guidelines for services adults with Asperger syndrome
(London: The National Autistic Society, 2002). ISBN: 1899280340 . [autism,aspergers,adult] Karen Rodman.

Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships
(London: Jessica Kingsley, 2003). ISBN: 1843107341 (paperback, 272 pages). [autism,aspergers,adult] Kevin P. Stoddart.

I guess I need to hit Amazon.com and get to reading!

3 Responses to "What about the wives?"

PLANET3RRY (visit their site)

All that is to say that on the outside, NO ONE would suspect that he has AS. But when I saw the criteria, it was eerie to see that "Hey, this is me". Especially everything that goes on in my noggin... both good and not so good.

And now that I know (because Knowing is Half the Battle), I am able to make changes on the fly and better understand WHY I do/think some of the things that I did/thunk and can better prepare myself for future encounters.

I agree that a "spouse and/or SO" group ('cause chicks get aspergers too) would be very beneficial. And as we have been reading Hill's book, it's not going to happen unless you think and do something about it. This blog is a step in that direction.

Bonnie Arnwine (visit their site)

After you read some of the books let us know which ones were helpful!

Jennifer (visit their site)

Bonnie Arnwine said...
After you read some of the books let us know which ones were helpful!
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Will do! I enjoyed visiting your website and your faith is very encouraging. Thanks for stopping in to my blog! A real ear (as opposed to a cyber one) has been so uplifting! God Bless you and your family!