Random Thoughts

OK, I was inspired to have a discussion with myself so where else would I turn but to my blog. When we first found out about the prospect of a diagnosis for The Elder (and subsequently The Hub), I can frankly say I was clueless with a capital clueless about the autism spectrum. I was not a blogosopher and I didn't watch TV other than PBS, Playhouse Disney, or Nick Jr (come to think of it, the latter is still true. Actually now we don't watch any TV because we disconnected the cable - just the wire from the wall) so I wasn't aware of all the Autism Awareness things that are so prevalent in the media. The only experience I really had until that point was my nsd's son (and only through stories, not because I've met him) and 2 of my neighbor's friends and again only through hearsay at a later time because at the time when I met their children, they didn't say, "Meet my child, he's autistic." So when I did find out later that their children were on the spectrum I was surprised, I guess because of my then preconceived notions of what autism is. I was even more surprised to learn less than a year later that I have been living with autism in my home for 11 years and hard-core the last 4 years.

So where am I going with this? (I'm asking myself that...oh yeah, I remember now...) I had a really hard time in the beginning of my research of accepting that it is truly Aspergers, and then of understanding exactly what Aspergers is and what it meant to be on the Autism spectrum and what the difference was or even if there was one. I went through a phase where I didn't feel like I couldn't relate to my friends with neurotypical children of the same age as The Elder, but I also felt like I couldn't relate to the parents at the ASA meetings, and I didn't really know how to relate to my girlfriends and their spouses/spices. It's like I heard scenarios and had to stop and think, "does that apply to me and my situation? can I really give an opinion?"

When I finally came to terms to the fact that Autism will always be a part of our lives, it felt so terribly awkward to say that Autism will always be a part of our lives. And though I did say it because I knew it was true according to textbooks, there was always a feeling of uneasiness. I don't think it was on MY part and MY acceptance. I think it was a self-imposed feeling based on what I thought other people thought and THEIR acceptance of it. I have had so many people look at The Elder at first glance (even special educators) and question his diagnosis. And we don't really tell anyone (other than in the freedom of blogging) about The Hub's diagnosis, because they both do appear so typical and at those times, I, not wanting to make a mountain out of a molehill, immediately start to question everything myself, even though, textbooks aside, I know in the very core of my being that the diagnoses is the link to every issue we've ever had as a family and couple, therefore also the link to the solutions. So I am eternally grateful for their diagnoses because I cannot say where we would be without it.

This random self-discussion was spawned from this post at Asperger Square 8, and a post that she links to at NTs are Weird about prejudice of HFA/LFA, and then JER's post about Billy the Kid. And I think my post was materialized from a fear. All I know is what I know and have experienced thus far, and because I know very few people who have children with Aspergers between the ages of 4 and 36, I don't know what to expect for The Elder in school years, adolescence, college. And even if I did know other people, doesn't mean it will apply to us, huh? My biggest fear is that I'm getting ahead of myself. My second biggest fear is that I'm not planning ahead. What if I won't fight for something because I don't even know that he needs it? Talk about being hidden! Sometimes I shock myself when I have intuition, but I have been discovering it more lately. I guess I just need to give myself more credit than I do.

Sorry if this was hard to follow my train of thought here. Just had a journaling moment...